Brain purge

I've noticed over the past several years that at times I will be saying something or have a certain expression, and then for a moment it will feel like I'm observing myself and I'll think... "That looks (or sounds) exactly like Mom." It's a weird feeling. Raising eight children certainly can't have been easy and must have been very stressful at times, and as one who appreciates order and "everything having its place", I now empathize with the times my mom would come into our bedroom with a box when we were young (after not having cleaned up as we were supposed to do), and say "whatever is not put away is going in the trash." I see it in myself now... when I get stressed, those are the nights at 10pm as we're going to bed that I say, "Katherine.. we need to clean the bedroom. I can't sleep like this!" and then will start emptying the bureaus of the piles of stuff... or start vacuuming... or doing the dishes at 11pm. Katherine has learned to just let me clean at these times, and the mood passes after an hour.

Puck is losing weight on her new diet plan, which involves diet food and placing the other kitties' bowls where she can't access them. Dory, however, is gaining weight, as she now is eating her own (diet) food (which she apparently wasn't getting before because Puck would eat it), Puck's leftovers at times, and Ty's urinary tract formula food (which Dory loves).

I love when Kath is on summer vacation. I feel like I'm living vicariously through her. Also, I have a list of projects for her to do in her free time - like shampoo the rugs and paint the entryway and remaining trim.

2012 has been full of highs and lows already. I want more highs.

We went to the Farmers' Market last weekend for the first time, after getting a late breakfast at our favorite diner (where I had my new favorite omelette with feta cheese, pesto, carmelized onions, spinach, and tomato). We bought a cup (from a pottery booth... beautiful... one that matched our current toothbrush holder and I plan on using it in the bathroom for rinsing one's mouth, etc.... Kath rolled her eyes so I shooed her out of the booth as I was making this purchase :), a small bunch of lettuce, and two delicious cupcakes. I'm now excited to go to the Farmers' Market to get more cupcakes. I rationalize this by the fact that Kath isn't around much in the summer, so lots of veggies may just go to waste. :)

I wish the longest day of the year was in July. It seems more appropriate for some reason.

New year, old beginnings

I love December and Christmastime, but then I love when January arrives. I love cleaning up and putting away all of the extra decorations and "stuff". As Katherine will attest to, I can only take so much "stuff" before I start to feel the need to start purging. I think she worries about what I may have tossed without her knowledge. (Nothing, of course! I would never. I think she really just worries about what she allowed me to toss in a moment of weakness.)
I love January as well, for resolution-making. I make the same resolutions every year - lose weight, be healthier, etc. But as I've aged, I've relaxed my rules (a little). Now, when I mess up, I'm ok with getting back on track rather than giving up on a resolution completely. For example, I still haven't begun my Jillian 30 Day Shred DVD - I have to do it for 30 days before I can take a fun class. If I was 10 years younger, I would be berating myself for not starting yet, and since it's already January 15, I would declare this resolution a failure. Now, the wiser me realizes that it's ok... maybe I'll start today and maybe I'll start tomorrow. Or next week. Or on a Tuesday.

So, I guess my resolution to become healthier is a success! I'll take a healthier attitude if I can't lose my little chip baby just yet. :)

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.

There are memories that stand out from many of my Christmases at my childhood home. (Not to be confused with my adult home... often I will say home with a particular inflection that designates if it's "home-home" or "home", but since this doesn't come with inflection, I will be specific.)
-Certain special Christmas decorations - this holly berry candle holder, and the Santa and Mrs. Claus candleholders that always were on the kitchen table.
-Decorating the tree - there was one old ornament of my mother's - it was blown clear glass with an angel in the middle. My dad always put the tree lights on first.
-The smell of celery and butter sauteing on Christmas eve as my mother made the stuffing.
-The smell of nisu - that cardamom scent - mmmm.
-The lights on the little Christmas tree that my grandparents would put on the roof outside of the kitchen window.... would light the way to the sauna.
-Playing "I spy" on my grandparents' Christmas tree - they had so many ornaments that it could last hours.
-Making Christmas cookies with my sisters.
-Hearing the rustle and bustle of many doors opening on Christmas eve after the kids went to bed and my parents were supposedly up just "getting ready for bed."
-Unable to sleep more than a few hours on Christmas eve because of the anticipation. One particular sister would have no problem sleeping in, and since we could not open stockings until everyone was up, it was particularly frustrating.
-Sitting in the rocking chair at night in the dark, listening to Mantovani, and enjoying the Christmas lights.

I love these memories. They've helped me continue to make every Christmas special in both old and new ways in my adult years.

Daily life

Alarm goes off at 5:30 am.
I get up and hit snooze three times.
Finally Kath or I get up and shower while the other tries to catch a few extra minutes of sleep... usually I'm the one groaning and Katherine is one getting up.
Sometimes Puck or Ty bother us for food about this time... or at 4:30 am (because it's super fun to wake up your people an hour before they really have to get up).
We get dressed (because it's good not to go to work unclothed or in pajamas).
We drive to Starbucks and get coffee - we are now regulars - when we walk in, every barista knows our order: "2 grande bolds with room for cream". We particularly like the red-haired older male barista. I don't know why. He's just nice.
Kath drops me off at work.
We work.
Kath coaches.
Sometimes I moonlight after regular work.
We come home.
We sometimes cook or eat out or get take-out. (We are no longer as-regular regulars at our old favorite Red Stripe, which is a good sign.)
We may watch TV or read.
We sit on the couch.
I try to sneak in bed early... around 9:30. Katherine may catch me doing this and try to give me a guilt-trip but it doesn't work. When I'm tired, I'm tired and I fall asleep no matter what.
Katherine moves the car into our parking spot at 10pm.
We sleep.

It starts all over.
It's good.

No fault of her own

Poor Kats. I woke up angry at her this morning because I had a bad dream in which I was super angry at her. It's weird how we can experience emotion in our sleep, but I woke up and those images of my dream were so prominent and vivid... it was hard to let it go. She gave me a kiss on her way out the door, and I said "you're lucky I'm kissing you after that dream." Poor girl. I'm punishing her for things that never even happened. I guess that's the good part of it, though. I know my bad dreams will never come true.
Well, my mind knows it.... somehow, she still pays the price, though.

We're home!

We're getting our first guests in our new apartment this weekend.... Kath's sister La! And maybe a cousin. Finally... room for visitors. :) Then, one day after La leaves, my sister is coming. It's a windfall. Now it really feels like we're home.

Kath is so excited that she is having a dance party in the living room at 8am as I type this.

Hope's Elegy

I found that tiny grain of
hope
within and crushed it.
It was too much and not enough.
It was a virus that needed to be
Killed.
Now
Sadness, grief can enter.
For things that were, things that are gone, things that will never be.

And
joy for things to come.